morrissey-solo

Uncleskimpy, real name Peter Easethepaininmyprostate, was born in South London in 1950. His family were very rich indeed. They even had horse. Peter used to ride the horse everywhere he went – his favourite hobbies as a child were to go to poor estates on his horse and shout abuse at the poor people, and stealing buns. Sometimes he used to instigate feuds with local families for no reason by calling them “attention seeking wankers”. His distraught family begged him to keep his big mouth in check, but he just couldn’t help it. He had a nasty streak. People used to think that having a horse had gone to his head and he thought he was some kind of John Wayne figure. His favourite way to antagonise his enemies was to creep on to their property in the dead of night with a hammer and slowly, methodically, smash up their front door step as they slept so they woke up to find a pile of chipped stone where their step used to be. He thought this was bloody hilarious.

From the ages of 12 to 31, Peter was in a coma because he fell off his horse and banged his head. When he woke up, he had amnesia. To make matters worse for him, his family had seized the opportunity to get rid of him and moved to an undisclosed location. The first song Peter heard when he woke up was Panic, by the Smiths. Like a baby duck latches on to the first thing it sees, Peter latched on to the first thing he heard – the Smiths. He moved up north and started affecting a northern accent. His hobbies now include losing at terrible quiz shows and embarrassing himself by trying to sing like Morrissey. He also visits gay saunas at weekends, but only goes to look – he never joins in.

In 2010, Uncleskimpy hopes to be seen in the background of a large crowd shot at the Manchester auditions for Britain’s Got Talent. Should he make it on stage, he hopes to impress the judges by doing Russian ballet. He hopes the bulge created in his tutu from his above-average penis will distract the judges from his poor foot-work (the result of a broken ankle, ironically sustained when he tripped over a pile of rubble where his front step used to be).