Kewpie, real name Les Bee Ann, was born in China in 1958. As her family already had a girl, they were not allowed to keep her. However, they were not willing to give her up for adoption – even at a young age she exhibited a violent, unthinking, unreasoned sense of always being right and not accepting the opinions of others. Valuable skills. So her mum (Lucy Liu Suh) and her dad (Ken Hom) dressed her as a boy for the first 18 years of her life. Her one and only job in the household was to sit by the front door, all day every day, and scare of “undesirables” i.e. non family members.
All this guard-dogging made Kewpie a very tired, confused little boy/girl. After 18 years service at the front door, she went to her bedroom with a Smiths CD and a pair of head phones and did not emerge for 6 years. By this stage, her minge was horrifically overgrown with fluffy Chinese pubic hair. The static from her muff was interfering with the TV reception, and the smell was attracting rats, so her father (Ken Hom) kicked her out. On her way to the airport, rats followed her like some kind of Pied Piper: The KewPied Piper. Everyone was happy when she left. Because she was incredibly annoying.
Eager to be loved, she moved to the UK. Under Maggie Thatcher’s regime, Les Bee Ann was certain she would only be the second most hated woman in the country. Sure enough, she arrived undetected and lay dormant for several years. She tried to go to a Smiths gig, went to a Morrissey gig and saw Pulp. That’s all she did from her arrival in the UK until 1997. Because that is all she did over the course of a decade, those are the only 3 things she has to talk about. And that’s why she does ONLY talk about those three things.
In 1997, she got a computer. Being Oriental, she instinctively knew how it worked and within a week, she was online. She had 3 sites on her list of ‘Sites to Visit First’: Morrissey-solo.com, Passionsjustlikemine.com and ihaventworkedinmylifegetmeajobandareasontoexist.com. Unfortunately for her, and us, she was so enchanted by the first two sites, she never made it to the third one on her list.
Since 1997, she has not logged off Morrissey-solo.com. She orders her shopping from Tesco and gets it delivered through a special hatch in her front door to avoid human interaction; she defecates in the empty shopping bags to minimise her time away from her computer; sometimes she shouts at people out her window if they are whistling because that is a sign of happiness; her diet of rice and tofu has given her terrible wind – she has been known to fart continuously for up to 3 and a half minutes. Sometimes, she does one of those really loud farts that hurt a little bit and sound like a chainsaw and it hurts her bum so much that she cries. The noise used to frighten her, but now it just reminds her of the start of Speedway, so when she does one of those farts she begins to sing “an’ when ru sram down duh hammah..” through her tears in the corner of her bedsit. This comforts her.
In 2010, Kewpie plans to order some new sandals off amazon.
